here it is a few days before christmas and i just can't seem to get into the "hoiday spirit". whatever it is supposed to be. the best thing right now is all my children are home and for that i am so grateful and makes me happy. we have all been through a lot together and we have a very unique and i think special bond. when we are all together there is an almost tangible presence. we know we are loved and appreciated and accepted just as we are. we have seen the worst and the best of each other and worked through it all! we have survived some pretty ugly stuff together and it has forged a bond that cannot be broken - at least not easily. we have all changed in the last couple of years but still maintain a very good relationship! i would lay down my life for any of them and today i believe that they would do the same. maybe not as easily but i believe they understand that without each other we all suffer. they will go on and form their own lives but that will not change what is. not at the deepest center of it.

i need to talk but i am struggling with how to say what i feel and not push away. there are some things that have happened and they have cut deeply to the bone. they may have been done without malice but the effects are still the same. there is a wedge and it can't be removed without open and honest dialog. the pain is so great that it makes it hard to talk without screaming in pain. i don't want to inflict pain to feel better i want to talk and heal.